The best that can be said about these articles about the problems concerning alcoholism is that they give a brief overview. Hopefully, people who need this information will be led to them by their higher power. For me, Jehovah is not only my higher power, but also my God. Jesus is the one who was willing to give his life so that you and I could have salvation.
Perhaps the greatest gift of Alcoholics Anonymous was the admonition that people learn to turn their problems and their addictions over to this power. Sometimes it is necessary to see the problem as a small box that can be picked up and set on a shelf for God's attention. When we learn to do this, we can let go of our control needs and leave others to the care of God.
You will note that I do not give attention to the codependency theories. Frankly, I don't believe in them. By his own admission, the man who developed the theory was an alcoholic, as was his son. This man shows alcoholics to be dependent individuals. If they are, by definition, dependent, then how can they possibly know what it would be like to be an independent functioning nondrinker.
People don't know in advance of their marriages all the twists and turns that life will make. There are all kinds of reasons why people don't want to abandon the dysfunctional marriage -- love, children, rules concerning divorce as stated in the New Testament. One thing I will say is that I once asked my daughter how she had felt when the marriage met it's demise. She said she was ready for it long before it happened. And here I was trying to stick through thick and thin for the kids.
I also want to make the point that there is no dysfunction or "codependency" need great enough to make me want to stay and be stuck in such a sickness. The relief I experienced at the end of my eighteen years was far greater than I could ever have imagined.
Important as it is to have some dependency on others whether in the marketplace or in relationships, I simply negate the idea that alcoholics and their families are codependent.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Help For Family's of Alcoholics
I once was in a meeting of Al Anon, the family support group for the spouse and adult family members of an alcoholic. Someone ushered in a woman who showed signs of great distress. Her hair was disheveled, her clothes carelessly picked and her behavior rather frenetic. Her story almost exploded out of her. She burst into tears. I don't remember the story, but it was greatly similar to others including my own.
The following meeting the woman was calm and collected. She had donned a nice casual outfit and had even combed her hair. Her anger had subsided. She was ready to listen and learn.
Another time, I heard the new story of a much more self confident and verbal woman. She told how she went home from work day after day to find her husband and a bunch of his friends hanging out together. They were in various stages of drunkenness. When she had her fill of living like that, she turned on the lot of them. She told them "'unass' my chairs and get yourselves out my door."
Like with all problems there is no one response and no completely identical set of behaviors -- either from the alcoholic or the family members. What was it these women or any spouse of an alcoholic has to learn? That, as in all relationships, there is no one person completely wrong. There is also no one person completely right. One living with an alcoholic needs to learn what they do that assists the drinker to continue the self-destructive path. Al Anon is a major source of help -- of support -- of strength. And it is as anonymous as you need it to be. Materials can be purchased at meetings. These include books of devotionals as well as descriptions of dysfunctional marriages and relationships.
Sometimes people can get help and support from friends. This can prove to be a great burden on your acquaintances. A pastor or priest can help. Professional counseling services as well as psychologists and psychiatrists should be well versed in situations like this.
The thing to remember is that you are not alone. Others have been and/or are in your shoes. Even if you feel like you are hanging off a cliff by your fingernails, help is available. Seek it out.
The following meeting the woman was calm and collected. She had donned a nice casual outfit and had even combed her hair. Her anger had subsided. She was ready to listen and learn.
Another time, I heard the new story of a much more self confident and verbal woman. She told how she went home from work day after day to find her husband and a bunch of his friends hanging out together. They were in various stages of drunkenness. When she had her fill of living like that, she turned on the lot of them. She told them "'unass' my chairs and get yourselves out my door."
Like with all problems there is no one response and no completely identical set of behaviors -- either from the alcoholic or the family members. What was it these women or any spouse of an alcoholic has to learn? That, as in all relationships, there is no one person completely wrong. There is also no one person completely right. One living with an alcoholic needs to learn what they do that assists the drinker to continue the self-destructive path. Al Anon is a major source of help -- of support -- of strength. And it is as anonymous as you need it to be. Materials can be purchased at meetings. These include books of devotionals as well as descriptions of dysfunctional marriages and relationships.
Sometimes people can get help and support from friends. This can prove to be a great burden on your acquaintances. A pastor or priest can help. Professional counseling services as well as psychologists and psychiatrists should be well versed in situations like this.
The thing to remember is that you are not alone. Others have been and/or are in your shoes. Even if you feel like you are hanging off a cliff by your fingernails, help is available. Seek it out.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Overcoming Genetics
Well, God must really want addictions to be dealt with right now. This morning (3/9/14), Joel Osteen's sermon concerned overcoming genetics. Just because someone has a genetic predisposition to be alcoholic, etc. doesn't mean he/she has to follow that path. We can change our destiny by making decisions that effect change and overcome the genes.
True! I believe that is what I recommended when I advised you to never take that first drink. Wouldn't it be a wise decision to stop drinking before it is too late -- before that line is crossed?
You can't become alcoholic if you never take the first drop. And, if you stop soon enough, you can avoid slipping into the dark abyss.
Other kinds of predispositions can also be controlled. If your family history has a trend toward heart trouble, exercise and diet changes can minimize the dangers for yourself.
Pastor Osteen also recommended getting a handle on anger. Although I've never heard of a genetic predisposition toward anger, it is certainly a characteristic that can be controlled. I'm a much more mellow senior citizen than I was as a young adult. I'm sure a lot of people can make that claim.
There were a lot of sites online proposing to upgrade one's physique by overcoming DNA with exercise and diet, etc. Remember the body building ads of the past with before and after pictures that started "I was a 99 pound weakling?" Or was it 97 pounds?
I think Joel Osteen's message is to take a positive attitude and approach so that the genetic hardship can be overcome as other hardships can. We don't have to become ill or addicts or derelicts just because our DNA and our environment dictate it. We can overcome obstacles to become the best we can be, just as generations have done before us.
Part of the message seemed to imply that a lot of people afflicted with genetic predispositions use them as an excuse not to try to change. But you don't have to do that. You can overcome your physical, psychological and environmental hazards to become a more productive and happy citizen.
True! I believe that is what I recommended when I advised you to never take that first drink. Wouldn't it be a wise decision to stop drinking before it is too late -- before that line is crossed?
You can't become alcoholic if you never take the first drop. And, if you stop soon enough, you can avoid slipping into the dark abyss.
Other kinds of predispositions can also be controlled. If your family history has a trend toward heart trouble, exercise and diet changes can minimize the dangers for yourself.
Pastor Osteen also recommended getting a handle on anger. Although I've never heard of a genetic predisposition toward anger, it is certainly a characteristic that can be controlled. I'm a much more mellow senior citizen than I was as a young adult. I'm sure a lot of people can make that claim.
There were a lot of sites online proposing to upgrade one's physique by overcoming DNA with exercise and diet, etc. Remember the body building ads of the past with before and after pictures that started "I was a 99 pound weakling?" Or was it 97 pounds?
I think Joel Osteen's message is to take a positive attitude and approach so that the genetic hardship can be overcome as other hardships can. We don't have to become ill or addicts or derelicts just because our DNA and our environment dictate it. We can overcome obstacles to become the best we can be, just as generations have done before us.
Part of the message seemed to imply that a lot of people afflicted with genetic predispositions use them as an excuse not to try to change. But you don't have to do that. You can overcome your physical, psychological and environmental hazards to become a more productive and happy citizen.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Are You Alcoholic?
It is said that the alcoholic is the last to know he has this illness. It is also said that the alcoholic is the only one who has the right to say he is alcoholic. Yet, everyone in his/her immediate world has to deal with the alcoholism -- sometimes for years -- before the individual reaches his bottom or admits to a problem.
How does one know that he has a problem with this disease? Is alcoholism causing a problem in your life? Is it affecting your ability to work? Is it creating havoc with your family life? Is it creating problems for you socially? Are you suffering financially?
Alcoholism is said to be a family disease. By this is meant that the chaos caused by the drinking is a burden for the whole unit. Everyone suffers from this problem. The coworkers are also affected, sometimes picking up the slack at work caused by absences or ineffectual functioning.
Around forty years ago, I had a pamphlet written by a Roman Catholic Priest which referred to alcoholism as a Merry-go-round. It also referred to the disease as a three act play in which the alcoholic was the star or center of attention. Around the alcoholic were parents, wife, children, employers, coworkers, professionals such as lawyers and social workers. Some of the individuals were enablers, some were persecutors and some were rescuers.
The Karpman triangle -- used more generally than for alcohol treatment -- points out that in relationships there can be a victim, a rescuer and a persecutor. Karpman states that if one can fill any one of these roles, one can fill them all. You may be the persecutor today, the victim tomorrow and the rescuer another day.
I searched the internet for the name of the author of the brochure or pamphlet. Instead, I found that there are some recovery programs using the essence of the information to help those addicted to alcohol to work the steps. There, of course, are also the twelve-step programs developed by Bill W and other early members of Alcoholic's Anonymous.
These sources of information not only help with recovery, but they can also help with identification of those suffering from the disease. Once again, are you alcoholic? If alcohol is causing chaos and trouble in your life, it is a good bet that you are. The sooner you accept the diagnosis, the sooner recovery can begin. The ball is in your court.
Are there alcoholics in your family? These are people who share your DNA. This is referring to a parent, sibling, grandparent. If so, do you drink at all? If yes, you have a greater chance of becoming alcoholic than people who do not have a family history of the disease. A gene has now been isolated which researchers believe causes people not to know when they have had enough of any addictive drug, including alcohol. If you carry this gene you are more at risk than others. If you do have family members who are alcoholic, I recommend you never take the first drink. If you are already a social drinker, I recommend you stop at once. Drinking is just not worth the risk.
If you decide you want to get help with your drinking, please get help from people who are trained to work in detox programs. There is risk of death when stopping the drinking. You can go into convulsions and die. There are usually programs in high end recovery facilities and also for people who are experiencing poverty. The Betty Ford Clinic represents the former. The Salvation Army may have facilities in your city. For the sake of yourself, your family and your friends, please get help somewhere. Drug addictions of all kinds are becoming more and more of a national problem. Addiction is absolutely everywhere.
How does one know that he has a problem with this disease? Is alcoholism causing a problem in your life? Is it affecting your ability to work? Is it creating havoc with your family life? Is it creating problems for you socially? Are you suffering financially?
Alcoholism is said to be a family disease. By this is meant that the chaos caused by the drinking is a burden for the whole unit. Everyone suffers from this problem. The coworkers are also affected, sometimes picking up the slack at work caused by absences or ineffectual functioning.
Around forty years ago, I had a pamphlet written by a Roman Catholic Priest which referred to alcoholism as a Merry-go-round. It also referred to the disease as a three act play in which the alcoholic was the star or center of attention. Around the alcoholic were parents, wife, children, employers, coworkers, professionals such as lawyers and social workers. Some of the individuals were enablers, some were persecutors and some were rescuers.
The Karpman triangle -- used more generally than for alcohol treatment -- points out that in relationships there can be a victim, a rescuer and a persecutor. Karpman states that if one can fill any one of these roles, one can fill them all. You may be the persecutor today, the victim tomorrow and the rescuer another day.
I searched the internet for the name of the author of the brochure or pamphlet. Instead, I found that there are some recovery programs using the essence of the information to help those addicted to alcohol to work the steps. There, of course, are also the twelve-step programs developed by Bill W and other early members of Alcoholic's Anonymous.
These sources of information not only help with recovery, but they can also help with identification of those suffering from the disease. Once again, are you alcoholic? If alcohol is causing chaos and trouble in your life, it is a good bet that you are. The sooner you accept the diagnosis, the sooner recovery can begin. The ball is in your court.
Are there alcoholics in your family? These are people who share your DNA. This is referring to a parent, sibling, grandparent. If so, do you drink at all? If yes, you have a greater chance of becoming alcoholic than people who do not have a family history of the disease. A gene has now been isolated which researchers believe causes people not to know when they have had enough of any addictive drug, including alcohol. If you carry this gene you are more at risk than others. If you do have family members who are alcoholic, I recommend you never take the first drink. If you are already a social drinker, I recommend you stop at once. Drinking is just not worth the risk.
If you decide you want to get help with your drinking, please get help from people who are trained to work in detox programs. There is risk of death when stopping the drinking. You can go into convulsions and die. There are usually programs in high end recovery facilities and also for people who are experiencing poverty. The Betty Ford Clinic represents the former. The Salvation Army may have facilities in your city. For the sake of yourself, your family and your friends, please get help somewhere. Drug addictions of all kinds are becoming more and more of a national problem. Addiction is absolutely everywhere.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Drinking and Alcoholism
As has been the habit of the human race, woman has been blamed for all the sins and grief of man (humanity) since ancient times. We can still see traces of this in the Middle East today, where men from fundamental religious cultures make women cover every possible inch of themselves, so man won't be tempted to sin. They still don't require men to take any responsibility for the straying of their "junk".
But, the crimes of women weren't confined just to the bedroom. We reigned supreme over all kinds of horrors. Probably the second most serious set of infractions we caused were in the mental health field. Women's poor childrearing skills were purported to cause not only childhood schizophrenia, but also autism. A cold mother was the culprit. Wives caused their husbands to be alcoholic. We've come a long way in knowledge in recent years. Unfortunately the old wives tales seem to still be taught in some social work programs, but most psychology departments are catching up with the times.
Well, if wives and mothers don't cause all these mental ailments and addictive behaviors, what does? Doctors now know that schizophrenia happens in cases of a chemical imbalance. They long ago diagnosed pink spots in the urine of schizophrenics. They just got caught up in a chicken and egg discussion about which came first. More recently, the medical profession seems less accepting that the schizophrenia causes the physical symptoms.
They don't know yet what causes autism. There have been fears that immunizations were the culprit, but those claims seem to have been refuted.
For decades, alcoholics, themselves, have said there was a genetic predisposition toward alcoholism. People like members of the Women's Christian Temperance groups, as well as hell-fire and brimstone clergy, preferred to label it sin. Some of them even seemed to relish the superiority it gave them to look down on the "drunks" they were trying to dry out. A relative of mine actually called her own grandfather a sot one time when describing him to me.
The Bible does warn people to avoid consuming the dregs of the wine. This would be the sediment or strongest portion of the alcohol. Logically that would make one drunk more quickly than the weaker portion meant for consumption. It also cautions not to engage in drunkenness, a state that would vary from individual to individual, based on size and weight and how much you've eaten. But never does it say -- that I can find -- to never touch the first drop. Jesus, himself, made wine from water to save a friend's wedding. So that is further confirmation that partaking of drink is not considered sin.
There have been theories that it is caused and maintained by the environment and the behaviors of others. There is substantial evidence that the reactions of people in the environment can maintain and exacerbate the illness, but the jury is still out on cause.
Members of Alcoholic's Anonymous have long referred to a compulsion to drink. I talked with a local pharmacist, a researcher, one time in an effort to talk him into a research study using various drugs known to control obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) to treat the alcoholic. He said some initial studies had been done, but they seemed to show that once the craving for the drink had begun, it was too late. The need had become physiological by then. He said when he finished his present study, he would give it some more thought.
An early theory concerned endorphins, substances in the brain that regulate feelings of wellbeing. Some people were said to be born with a shortage of them. There was also supposedly stress related drinking. Some thought that the act of drinking caused normal brain chemistry to erode.
A pattern does seem to develop that is as follows. At first, people, like teenagers, take a drink to fit with a crowd. This evolves to social drinking as adults. For some, alcohol is used to relieve stress. After a long period of using drink as an emotional crutch, an alcoholic is said to "cross a line". When this line is crossed, the individual becomes physically as well as emotionally addicted. After this stage is reached, it becomes extremely difficult to stop. It is also important to use a detox unit to attempt to begin recovery. Alcohol is the only drug that can kill you when you stop using it. One can go into convulsions and die. That is why it is important to have trained individuals helping you to stop drinking.
About three to four years ago, there was an announcement that scientists had isolated a gene that seemed to explain what caused addictive behavior. This gene was present in those who were addicted to alcohol or drugs, but not present in the genes of people described as moderate or just heavy drinkers. The gene is said to interfere with the body's ability to process dopamine, which tells the brain when it has had enough -- is satisfied. Sound like the endorphin theory?
For those of us who have watched loved ones suffer from and fight this dreadful illness, it seemed a ray of hope. It was a hope that in a hop, skip and a jump, there would follow a medication to arrest, if not cure, it. It's taking a little too long for the jump, but we'll hold faith for the future.
In the meantime, people might want to resist taking that first drink. Or, if you have already taken that step, perhaps you can cease and desist before it is too late.
But, the crimes of women weren't confined just to the bedroom. We reigned supreme over all kinds of horrors. Probably the second most serious set of infractions we caused were in the mental health field. Women's poor childrearing skills were purported to cause not only childhood schizophrenia, but also autism. A cold mother was the culprit. Wives caused their husbands to be alcoholic. We've come a long way in knowledge in recent years. Unfortunately the old wives tales seem to still be taught in some social work programs, but most psychology departments are catching up with the times.
Well, if wives and mothers don't cause all these mental ailments and addictive behaviors, what does? Doctors now know that schizophrenia happens in cases of a chemical imbalance. They long ago diagnosed pink spots in the urine of schizophrenics. They just got caught up in a chicken and egg discussion about which came first. More recently, the medical profession seems less accepting that the schizophrenia causes the physical symptoms.
They don't know yet what causes autism. There have been fears that immunizations were the culprit, but those claims seem to have been refuted.
For decades, alcoholics, themselves, have said there was a genetic predisposition toward alcoholism. People like members of the Women's Christian Temperance groups, as well as hell-fire and brimstone clergy, preferred to label it sin. Some of them even seemed to relish the superiority it gave them to look down on the "drunks" they were trying to dry out. A relative of mine actually called her own grandfather a sot one time when describing him to me.
The Bible does warn people to avoid consuming the dregs of the wine. This would be the sediment or strongest portion of the alcohol. Logically that would make one drunk more quickly than the weaker portion meant for consumption. It also cautions not to engage in drunkenness, a state that would vary from individual to individual, based on size and weight and how much you've eaten. But never does it say -- that I can find -- to never touch the first drop. Jesus, himself, made wine from water to save a friend's wedding. So that is further confirmation that partaking of drink is not considered sin.
There have been theories that it is caused and maintained by the environment and the behaviors of others. There is substantial evidence that the reactions of people in the environment can maintain and exacerbate the illness, but the jury is still out on cause.
Members of Alcoholic's Anonymous have long referred to a compulsion to drink. I talked with a local pharmacist, a researcher, one time in an effort to talk him into a research study using various drugs known to control obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) to treat the alcoholic. He said some initial studies had been done, but they seemed to show that once the craving for the drink had begun, it was too late. The need had become physiological by then. He said when he finished his present study, he would give it some more thought.
An early theory concerned endorphins, substances in the brain that regulate feelings of wellbeing. Some people were said to be born with a shortage of them. There was also supposedly stress related drinking. Some thought that the act of drinking caused normal brain chemistry to erode.
A pattern does seem to develop that is as follows. At first, people, like teenagers, take a drink to fit with a crowd. This evolves to social drinking as adults. For some, alcohol is used to relieve stress. After a long period of using drink as an emotional crutch, an alcoholic is said to "cross a line". When this line is crossed, the individual becomes physically as well as emotionally addicted. After this stage is reached, it becomes extremely difficult to stop. It is also important to use a detox unit to attempt to begin recovery. Alcohol is the only drug that can kill you when you stop using it. One can go into convulsions and die. That is why it is important to have trained individuals helping you to stop drinking.
About three to four years ago, there was an announcement that scientists had isolated a gene that seemed to explain what caused addictive behavior. This gene was present in those who were addicted to alcohol or drugs, but not present in the genes of people described as moderate or just heavy drinkers. The gene is said to interfere with the body's ability to process dopamine, which tells the brain when it has had enough -- is satisfied. Sound like the endorphin theory?
For those of us who have watched loved ones suffer from and fight this dreadful illness, it seemed a ray of hope. It was a hope that in a hop, skip and a jump, there would follow a medication to arrest, if not cure, it. It's taking a little too long for the jump, but we'll hold faith for the future.
In the meantime, people might want to resist taking that first drink. Or, if you have already taken that step, perhaps you can cease and desist before it is too late.
Play It Again
When we have to face problems in our world, there probably is a reason for it. We will know for sure all of those reasons once our stay here is finished and we go to meet our maker. Until then, it is our responsibility to determine these reasons to the best of our ability and to meet them as well as we can.
I believe part of the purpose of facing adversity is for it to serve as a test. God places us in certain situations, sometimes over and over until He gets the desired response from us. If we keep repeating an inefficient or toxic response, He says, in effect, play it again.
The first reason vaguely hints toward the second. Problem situations are meant to teach. If we do learn to change from toxic or inappropriate responses to effective ones, we have learned. Some say the reason we are put on earth is to learn as much as we can. The challenge of living through these learning experiences (sometimes called crucibles) will make us grow. You know the saying, "Whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger".
More and more, I believe that some of our trials and tribulations have to be survived so that we can help others. One of the things I admire most about Oprah Winfrey is her willingness to expose her own feelings and vulnerability so that others can understand their problems better. It helps people see how others have learned to cope. It also doesn't hurt to know that we are not alone. Others have been in similar situations. Others are feeling abandoned -- alone. Others are facing your trials right now.
There are some recurrent crucibles in my life. One can be watered down to a serious need for autonomy. Believe me, when people sense this need, they act as though they want to beat me into submission. Autonomy, in their view, is not to be allowed.
The other is much more heart wrenching in that it is far more devastating to the people causing the crucible than it is for me. But, believe me, it is hard as h e double hockey sticks for me.
As I've implied, I believe when God sets up one's life in an inescapable path, He expects us to use our experiences to ease the pain of others no matter what the cost to ourselves. It seems my time has come.
During my youth, there were four guys (boys still at that time) that I liked well enough I might have married them. The first I met as a child. Our lives separated until the summer after my high school graduation. We dated for several months, despite a state's difference in our locations. That potential match faded away.
The second person, I knew for several years, but dated very briefly. In fact, he witnessed probably the very worst time I ever unleashed my evil temper on a non-family member. Why the temper? I had just begun dating him and really, really liked him. A guy from my hometown brought him home from college for a weekend visit. The host had never once indicated any interest in me. In fact, he always gave off vibes as if he didn't like anybody much. At church that Sunday, in front of his visitor, he chose to tease and flirt with me. He kept calling me by French terms of endearment like mon Cherie. I blew my stack. Like I said, he sure didn't want me, but he was staking his claim so that his friend would have to look like a cad to date me again. After my explosion, who would have wanted me anyway? But that is a different story.
The third relationship was serious enough we evolved to naming our future children. From this one, began to develop the six-month rule of dating. If a relationship hasn't reached a stage of talking marriage by the six month point, it will probably fall apart. It did. We couldn't put it back together.
I married the fourth. Now, don't go into a tiz that I am revealing my exe's secrets. First, his alcoholism is a matter of public knowledge and court record. Second, I do not have the same last name as he, plus I write under a pseudonym of sorts. More importantly, the people to whom it matters already know all about it.
The first young man and his wife later lived in one of the same towns as my husband and I. We visited socially a few times. The guys exchanged the word that they were both victims of this awful disease.
The second guy, I watched on television as he deplaned with other prisoners of war. Many years later I figured out that the coworker who had the same last name as he, was actually his wife. Our supervisor described how she stuck to him despite the fact he had turned to alcoholism because of experiences as a prisoner of war. Later his identity was confirmed as my friend from the past.
I never saw the third one take a drink. A summer college roommate and her fiancé informed me I was lucky to be rid of him because of his drinking problem. What? I took it with a grain of salt at the time. This future Southern Baptist minister who told the tale, probably believed one drink condemned someone to hell.
It was not until after I knew the information about my husband and the other two that I finally conceded it was probably true. That indicates to me that if the good Lord has a job for you to do, He will offer you a choice of people (free will), but conditions will be in place to get the same result. I've been able to help others several times because of my experience.
I don't plan to go on forever about this topic, but I will deal with it for a time. The next article in the blog will be an overview of the cause of alcoholism. And, my Southern Baptist friends out there -- alcoholism is a disease, not a sin. One should definitely stay away from the dregs (sediment) of the wine because of the disaster it's strength can bring. Plus, the good book says drunkenness is inappropriate. But it is apparently okay to partake of a weaker sample than the dregs. Jesus, himself, is famous for turning water into wine.
Before you kids go racing off to experiment, my comment was not meant as tacit permission. There are some really good reasons for never taking the first drink. This includes the fact that for many years it has been known that there is a genetic predisposition to become alcoholic. If there are alcoholics in your family -- who share your DNA -- you are more likely to become alcoholic than your buddies without the gene.
Enough for today.
I believe part of the purpose of facing adversity is for it to serve as a test. God places us in certain situations, sometimes over and over until He gets the desired response from us. If we keep repeating an inefficient or toxic response, He says, in effect, play it again.
The first reason vaguely hints toward the second. Problem situations are meant to teach. If we do learn to change from toxic or inappropriate responses to effective ones, we have learned. Some say the reason we are put on earth is to learn as much as we can. The challenge of living through these learning experiences (sometimes called crucibles) will make us grow. You know the saying, "Whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger".
More and more, I believe that some of our trials and tribulations have to be survived so that we can help others. One of the things I admire most about Oprah Winfrey is her willingness to expose her own feelings and vulnerability so that others can understand their problems better. It helps people see how others have learned to cope. It also doesn't hurt to know that we are not alone. Others have been in similar situations. Others are feeling abandoned -- alone. Others are facing your trials right now.
There are some recurrent crucibles in my life. One can be watered down to a serious need for autonomy. Believe me, when people sense this need, they act as though they want to beat me into submission. Autonomy, in their view, is not to be allowed.
The other is much more heart wrenching in that it is far more devastating to the people causing the crucible than it is for me. But, believe me, it is hard as h e double hockey sticks for me.
As I've implied, I believe when God sets up one's life in an inescapable path, He expects us to use our experiences to ease the pain of others no matter what the cost to ourselves. It seems my time has come.
During my youth, there were four guys (boys still at that time) that I liked well enough I might have married them. The first I met as a child. Our lives separated until the summer after my high school graduation. We dated for several months, despite a state's difference in our locations. That potential match faded away.
The second person, I knew for several years, but dated very briefly. In fact, he witnessed probably the very worst time I ever unleashed my evil temper on a non-family member. Why the temper? I had just begun dating him and really, really liked him. A guy from my hometown brought him home from college for a weekend visit. The host had never once indicated any interest in me. In fact, he always gave off vibes as if he didn't like anybody much. At church that Sunday, in front of his visitor, he chose to tease and flirt with me. He kept calling me by French terms of endearment like mon Cherie. I blew my stack. Like I said, he sure didn't want me, but he was staking his claim so that his friend would have to look like a cad to date me again. After my explosion, who would have wanted me anyway? But that is a different story.
The third relationship was serious enough we evolved to naming our future children. From this one, began to develop the six-month rule of dating. If a relationship hasn't reached a stage of talking marriage by the six month point, it will probably fall apart. It did. We couldn't put it back together.
I married the fourth. Now, don't go into a tiz that I am revealing my exe's secrets. First, his alcoholism is a matter of public knowledge and court record. Second, I do not have the same last name as he, plus I write under a pseudonym of sorts. More importantly, the people to whom it matters already know all about it.
The first young man and his wife later lived in one of the same towns as my husband and I. We visited socially a few times. The guys exchanged the word that they were both victims of this awful disease.
The second guy, I watched on television as he deplaned with other prisoners of war. Many years later I figured out that the coworker who had the same last name as he, was actually his wife. Our supervisor described how she stuck to him despite the fact he had turned to alcoholism because of experiences as a prisoner of war. Later his identity was confirmed as my friend from the past.
I never saw the third one take a drink. A summer college roommate and her fiancé informed me I was lucky to be rid of him because of his drinking problem. What? I took it with a grain of salt at the time. This future Southern Baptist minister who told the tale, probably believed one drink condemned someone to hell.
It was not until after I knew the information about my husband and the other two that I finally conceded it was probably true. That indicates to me that if the good Lord has a job for you to do, He will offer you a choice of people (free will), but conditions will be in place to get the same result. I've been able to help others several times because of my experience.
I don't plan to go on forever about this topic, but I will deal with it for a time. The next article in the blog will be an overview of the cause of alcoholism. And, my Southern Baptist friends out there -- alcoholism is a disease, not a sin. One should definitely stay away from the dregs (sediment) of the wine because of the disaster it's strength can bring. Plus, the good book says drunkenness is inappropriate. But it is apparently okay to partake of a weaker sample than the dregs. Jesus, himself, is famous for turning water into wine.
Before you kids go racing off to experiment, my comment was not meant as tacit permission. There are some really good reasons for never taking the first drink. This includes the fact that for many years it has been known that there is a genetic predisposition to become alcoholic. If there are alcoholics in your family -- who share your DNA -- you are more likely to become alcoholic than your buddies without the gene.
Enough for today.
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