The Waiting Period

This morning I was channel surfing when I ran across a morning Bible lesson by Gloria Copeland.  The topic was the need to have patience.  Well, patience in addition to faith.  I used to be really good at waiting.  In fact, it seems as if I have spent my life in a perennial state of it.  I told God, in a somewhat tongue-in-cheek manner, if this is supposed to be making me better at patience, it's not working.  I used to be really good at this, so what has happened?

So what have I had to wait for in my world?  The first thing was to get into school.  I'm one of those weird kids that actually liked going to the brick schoolhouse to learn.  Then there was waiting for my Dad to return from World War II.  And how lucky I was that he actually did come home.  Graduating from high school was the next big hurdle.  Then, getting married and waiting for children to start coming.  One of the biggest was waiting for my ex to finish three degrees.  That had to happen for "life to begin".  At least it felt that way even though I was living large throughout the wait.  It's certainly the reason I had to wait for a house.

I may be the world's expert at beauty salon's, dentist's and doctor's offices, auto repair shops.  A lady sat down beside me in one shop and began instructing me that she wouldn't wait more than half an hour for them to get her oil change finished.  But just put a good book in my hands and I can tune out screaming children, clanking metal and beauty salon gossip.  The latter was restricted to my ex's hometown where his cousin owned the shop.  I actually knew some of the people mentioned in that small town. 

But, still, even in retirement I have had to wait.  For what?  Today, October 31, 2013, I have waited exactly one month for the place I live to get here for my annual indoor inspection.  That shouldn't matter much, should it?  One wouldn't think it should.  However, it means I have to set the alarm early and get myself groomed and dressed before office hours.  Then I am stuck inside the house, also during office hours, for the duration.  There are days it feels like they have forgotten I exist, but I guess not.  The company they have hired to inspect the furnaces was in the neighborhood yesterday.  So I continue to wait and wait and wait.

You might wonder at the insanity of sitting here with "patience exuding" for their arrival, but you probably haven't read my blog if you do.  I've come home many times to find drawers standing wide open, closets riffled through and items missing.  There were no signs of breaking and entering.  They've changed my locks and people still rummage through my stuff.  A company employee was actually convicted of pawning items from the apartments.  They promised they had taken pass keys away from the staff (well, they actually lied and said they hadn't used pass keys since the days of long keys).  Then I witnessed a staff member using a pass key to let a neighbor into her apartment on the weekend.  The pilfering and the lying about the pilfering are never ending.  I'm certainly not leaving when they actually have legal permission to enter.  No knowing what havoc that would create.

Then there is the interim waiting because my son is sick.  Bless his sweet soul, he just had to come home and expose me to the flue.  He is currently ensconced on my couch, changing my channels if I leave the room and quarreling with me about my choice of programs.  I can't take a nap or clean in there until he is well and returns to work.  How long, oh Lord?

But God wants me to be patient and wait with faith.  So, I'll try once more.  Did I mention, one of the things I'm supposed to be patient about I've been waiting for about nine and a half years? 

How patient is patient enough for you God?  I guess I'm going to learn.  And I have faith that all will turn out well in the end.

The Real Positive Approach

Perhaps some definitions are the best way to begin this article.

Positive reinforcement is any stimulus or event that follows a behavior that increases the probability that the behavior will occur again.

Negative reinforcement is any stimulus or event that follows a behavior, the removal of which, increases the probability that a behavior will occur again.

Note that reinforcement always increases the behavior.  Punishment, on the other hand, always decreases the behavior.  So, you want to increase a behavior like having a child put away his toys.  With positive reinforcement, you need to apply a consequence that increases the behavior.  How do you know what consequence to use?  You don't.  You may have to try more than one before you find one that brings the increase.  There are a few consequences that most children would like well enough to cause a behavioral change, but not all people like the same things. 

It is my understanding that Transactional Analysis was the source for the expression "different strokes for different folks", which is sort of similar to saying, "one man's trash is another man's treasure".  Since we are not all alike, what is a reinforcer for one may be punishing to another.

This is what is meant as functional definitions.  We do not willy nilly apply rewards and reinforcers.  We apply consequences to behaviors.  We wait to see if that consequence increases, decreases, or has no effect to determine whether it is a reinforcer, punisher or a neutral stimulus.  I worked as a tutor/grader in a private summer school.  One boy came in and worked really well until he got M & M's for his first assignment.  After that he quit working.  Instead he played with the M & M's.  What was meant as a "reward" decreased work, thus punished working.

When using these methods it is always best to use positive reinforcement to effect change.  This would be the real positive approach.  Refraining from using negative reinforcement or punishment is more effective and makes a more pleasant environment for all concerned.  It also teaches what to do in a faster and more effective manner.  The person whose behavior is being modified, as well as all those around, experience less uncertainty and fear from the consequences.  From the start, when stating the goal, it is best to state it as a use of positive reinforcement.  For instance, it should be stated as the goal is to increase Harry's putting away his toys by following the behavior with candy, stuff or fun events as well as praise.  One or more will probably increase the behavior.  Eventually the tangibles can be phased out and praise will be enough.  Depending on the kid, a clean room might one day keep him working.

Staying positive, then, is a matter of using positive reinforcement, not just walking around with a cheesy smile.  

Awards and Yards

Are any of you mystery buffs?  If so, you've probably read one or more stories where a deeply envious neighbor kills off the individual who has won a best yard award for twenty or so straight years.  Why?  Because the murderer had joined the competition fifteen years earlier and had never won.

There could be a number of reasons why the annual winner held sway over the others.  They could have money to hire gardeners and buy plants or have time to do yard work.  Perhaps their power and prestige in other arenas weighs heavily with the judges.  Perhaps their best friend is the judge.  Who knows?  The point is, such contests can become cutthroat events.

Before I moved to my neighborhood, I had spent five years in an apartment.  I missed my roses, flowering quince and bush honeysuckle.  One Sunday morning after the man who held me up at gunpoint came back for a second try, I took the real estate section and prayed for God to show me any listing I could afford where I would be safer.  The listing for this apartment almost jumped off the page at me.

You have to have an eye for potential to understand why I bought this share.  It was filthy.  There were two old, old, cheap kinds of paneling as well as stucco on the living room walls.  The floors needed refinishing or anything.  The kitchen cabinets were old but paintable and repairable.  Dog feces had been walked through so many times that it was hard as concrete and unrecognizable.  But that, folks, is what made it my kind of thing -- a fixer upper.  While I was still young enough, I loved taking something old and ugly and making it look nice.  Not only could I decorate this little townhouse, but it had a yard I could play in, too.  To make it even better, there was a maintenance department that was supposed to do the wiring, plumbing, roof and exterior.  These are the qualities of an apartment complex and a single family dwelling combined.  It took several weeks of stopping by after work to scrape dog do, clean and paint.  My goals before moving were total cleaning and then painting, especially one bedroom, the bath and the kitchen.  I bought the share August 5 and remember I was laying vinyl tile in the kitchen the weekend of September 21, my daughter's birthday.

As I would get a room ready, I would carry carloads of dishes, towels, sheets, etc., over after work.  We moved the furniture on a long holiday weekend -- Columbus day.  Needless to say, I didn't get much landscaping done the first year.  Just a few bulbs got planted.  My welcome to my new neighborhood was someone stealing my mums before I got them in the ground.

By the following spring, I knew which neighbors were vying for yard of the month and which were in line for worst yard ever.  As I began the never ending project, I prayed that my yard would bring a sense of peace and serenity to all that saw it.  I cared nothing about winning an award.

Shortly after I retired, I received a small inheritance.  After I paid off all my bills and bought a good used car, I spent some time and dollars to finish the yard.  Lo and behold, within the next year or two, I found a best yard of the month sign out front.  I must confess it felt really good.  At least it did until I felt the wrath of the neighbor who held best yard as a goal.  Then it didn't feel so good anymore.

The best yard contest lapsed for a while  When they brought it back, they had three places instead of just first.  That was good, because more people could receive recognition for their hard work.

The last time someone placed a sign in my yard, I asked them not to leave it.  Why?  Well, memories of the ruptured relationship it caused the first time it happened.  But, also, because for award programs to really be effective, there has to be a real chance for every individual to reach success.  If the same people win or place year after year, there is no point for everyone else to try.  Isn't the point of such programs to encourage everyone to keep their landscape beautiful?  It certainly used to be the reason for the contests.

So, folks, if you are in charge of yard competitions, make some rules that see the signs are passed around to anyone who does a good enough job.  You might also use an application system so that people who want to participate can, but others don't have to do so.

For some people, a yard to play in is sufficient.  For some, their goal is serenity for all.  Winning all the time just isn't a goal for everyone.

It's A Commitment, Not A Magic Button

On "Kiss and Tell With Jenny", a segment of The View, recently, Dan Savage said research has shown that even people involved in "monogamous" marriages will cheat.  He said 60% of men as well as 40% of women report infidelities.  The reasons, according to Savage, are a need for newness and adventure.  (I would suggest it has something to do with not being monogamous chemically).

Savage, a columnist dealing with sexual issues, apparently doesn't get it.  Generations of humans have been aware that people can be attracted to others besides their mates.  The big deal about monogamy is choice and commitment.  There definitely is no magic button to push that tells oneself not to have chemical attractions to others.  The choice and commitment are a mental and physical stop sign. 

One chooses to stay faithful.  One promises to be with nobody else despite temptations.  Then, ladies and gentlemen, one remains faithful for spouse and family.  At least most women do, even though research apparently shows that most men do not.

The thing I've never fully understood is how many men want their wives to think they are having affairs even if they aren't.  There is some kind of sadistic need in some individuals to impress upon their mates that others are anxious to get into their beds.  Thus, they cause as much unnecessary stress in the relationship as they can.

But usually the spouse knows when her mate is unfaithful.  They also can detect when they are being true.  What they can't understand is the need of the other to hurt them by a real or imagined affair.

The Peeping Toms

Remember the commercial where the father of the bride tells the groom, "I'm watching you"?  A babe in arms follows up by saying "I'm watching you watching him."  Humorous though that ad may be, watching others is usually no joke.  In fact, in my community it's of epidemic proportions.

We have the Neighborhood Watch program, which I've already described to you as being overly aggressive.  This organization wants all residents to keep an eye out for the criminal element.  Of course we are expected to call the police if we see a stranger walking off with our next door neighbor's front door.  It is regrettable, but they also encourage us to call the office and the police for the smallest infraction of neighborhood rules or city and county laws. The 911 officers really love that aspect.  It's rare to read a Board Meeting report that some stellar citizen doesn't report a neighbor for toys strewn in the grass or litter on the stoop.  It really is about that nit picky.  Sometimes it feels like the area has been invaded by WW II Nazis who tattle on everyone else.

Some people accept this as just part of the neighborhood.  Others resent every time a homeowner looks out the window while he/she's cooking dinner or pacing the floor.

The really funny thing is why nobody ever questions why these individuals don't want to be watched.  On some blocks, there are shareholders who house more than the legal limit of people.  Others hide illegals.  Some have been known to harbor rapists or murderers.  A couple manufacture drugs, including methamphetamine.  A few deal drugs out of their homes or their yards.  Some hide the drugs/collection site in innocent neighbor's yards.  Some casually stroll through a yard and steal bricks, flower pots or Windsor stones.  One of these throws the broken pieces back in his victim's yard once he has ruined them.  Some even take plants and flowers.

Many work on their cars in the street, parking bays and their yards.  Some park their vehicles in the grassy areas.  The younger ones are prone to play loud music any time day or night.  All of these offenses and more are against the rules of the coop and/or against the law, such as playing loud music day or night is against the law. 

Some of them, possibly true voyeurs, literally stand or sit and look in the windows of a neighbor's home.  They seem not to know this is a perversion which is against the law and they apparently wouldn't care if they did.

There is a lot of bitching and griping by all of the above rule and law breakers about the behaviors of others -- behaviors which are far less offensive.  You see, in this sociopathic world of ours, rules don't apply to everyone.  They just apply to people we don't like, never to ourselves.

As Jesus said at one time . . . "let him who is without sin cast the first stone".  As you can tell by the above message, there aren't many free of sin.

But then, we should also not let that keep us from doing our part to protect our neighbor's property.

More About Behaviorism

Perhaps since we can't get people to quit trying to control their fellow men by using behaviorism inaccurately, we can at least teach them some of the basics.  If you don't know or care what behaviorism is all about, please check for future articles that may be more interesting to you.  This blog is purposefully all over the place.

Really basic operant conditioning techniques were a result of studies with non-human animals.  With non humans, basic items like food can be used.  In fact, such training methods are still used with dogs on a regular basis.  Eventually dogs are weaned from the food rewards and respond most of the time to affection from their owners.

It's harder to use food rewards with humans unless they are dependent children or institutionalized adults.  So, the principles of learning from operant conditioning were adapted to use with people.  Much of the work was done in mental institutions at first.  Nathan Azrin and Ted Ayllon, for instance, learned much from studies that they did at Anna State Hospital in Anna, IL in the '60s.

Based upon findings of such research, some basic premises can be emphasized.  In order to control or change others by food or edible treats, it is necessary to already have them in a controlled setting.  Even if you thought to control others by presenting a neighbor with fresh-baked breakfast rolls, she or he would probably not thank you.  Most adults have to control their diets for weight, heart or diabetic concerns.

So, you are left with control by attention.  Uh-huh, try using that in a neighborhood, for instance.  Most people are busy with their own families and business concerns. They could care less about their neighbor's attention.  All most want from each other is peace and quiet.  If you choose to mess with these, the law protects them, not you.

How, for instance, can a neighbor, who has lived on the block for two or three years and bothered to speak to someone once, be expected to have any importance to the other individual.  Such neighbors have none, so using them to apply positive or negative consequences is useless.

In a regular neighborhood there are not many individuals who interact with someone.  Sometimes only the mail carrier sees them occasionally.  What does one want from the carrier?  Just accurate and timely delivery of the mail accompanied by no game playing.  Now if the carrier should try to monkey with one's mail to control an individual, he or she would be breaking federal law and risking job termination.  If he/she were really bad at the delivery, like holding out mail, he would risk incarceration.  So, bad idea to use mail carriers.

Then, let's take the example of using people with whom one has interactions already established.  Let's say one neighbor was generously sharing her things with another.  Then, the controller asks the recipient to report back feedback concerning the person's conversations and behaviors.  The controller, a person with a huge mouth, then shares the information with one or two others and they hit one or more of the local grapevines.  How many times would the sharing neighbor hear her words repeated by a local gossip before she figured out what the recipient was doing?  This is especially true if she were talking only to one individual.  The recipient's importance to the sharing individual is immediately dissolved.  If you are no longer important to an individual, you have no power to reward or punish, much less to spy and report.

In the busy world in which we live, very few individuals need casual acquaintances enough that they can be of use in modifying other people's behaviors.  So, back to the drawing board or risk the possibility of getting the middle finger gesture flipped at you.

It's another form of arrogance, isn't it, to assume that you are of such great worth to mankind that your attention can be used to control another's behavior.  Believe me there are very few people outside my own family and close circle of friends -- including many friends from my school years -- that I care if I ever see again.  So, take my position as a lesson to reinforce this blog.  Be sure you really are a superior being before you mess with others -- that's superior in everyone's opinion, not just your own. 

You also need to determine if the person needs people and thrives on attention.  Many people at my door on a daily basis would be sheer torture, not a positive "reward".  Then build proper rapport before using the techniques so you don't look like a complete incompetent. 

Learn that negative consequences are not very effective and don't teach anything positive.  Be sure you don't damage someone else's peace just for your own ego trip.

And most importantly, be sure you don't infringe on the rights of others or you may become a target for modification yourself.