We've all heard the expression, "different strokes for different folks". This is based on Transactional Analysis, a somewhat popular form of therapy which lends itself well to groups. The statement is based, as well, on theories like those of Rudolph Dreikurs, M.D. who tells of reasons for misbehavior -- need for attention, power struggles, assumed disabilities and revenge.
Let's analyze School Shootings from a psychologist's point of view for a bit. An average child is going to get a lot of attention in the beginning. Parents usually receive them with a great deal of pride and love. But not all children with average needs are born into average or normal situations.
Some children simply are not wanted. Others, though loved, are neglected due to lack of funds, parents working multiple jobs, Moms who spend all their working hours on charities or even parents who spend so much time at church activities that the kids take a back seat. These kids don't get as much attention as they need. Like greasing the squeaky wheel, these parents tend to take a Band-Aid approach to child rearing. They pay attention when there is a problem, but quickly go back to s. o. p. when the status quo is reached. Children of parents like this learn to act up to get attention. They also have a lot of autonomy and power in their homes. A school classroom can threaten this autonomy, causing kids to engage the teacher or other students in power struggles. A teacher who becomes embroiled in such struggles has already lost. The trick is to avoid the confrontation. A power struggle cannot exist without two or more participants. One cannot have one alone.
An assumed disability can be a child thinking he's not good at math, so doesn't try. Or it can be a child who doesn't put forth effort to find friends because he/she has had no success in previous attempts. With the prevalence of bullying in school and in cyberspace, these kids often fall victims.
And then there is revenge mode. This is where kids get back at parents, teachers, fellow students and even strangers for all the bad things that have happened to them in their young lives. Of course, you can all see that this is where school shooters, adults who go "postal" and office attacks fall into place.
We had our share of bullies back in the fifties when I was in high school, but bullying opportunities were not really so easy to find back then. For one thing, parents were more supportive of classroom teachers. Now, not so much. Every other set of parents is in the classroom telling the teachers how to do their jobs and threatening trouble if teachers discipline their kids. The children catch onto this and show less respect -- and certainly no fear -- to and of the teacher.
Bullying is such a big deal anymore that hardly a week goes by that we don't hear about a new episode in class, on the playground or on the internet. Kids can either internalize the bullying, which causes depression even to the point of suicide, or they can externalize it and strike out at the bullies, the unloving teachers, the busy, distracted parents, the world.
But there is a further factor in the creation of a school shooter or "postal" employee. It is as follows. The average, run of the mill kids -- most of us -- are never going to be heard of outside of their hometowns. They are never going to get their names on the national news, especially the news programs that ignore good behavior and focus on the bad like crime and sudden deaths. Good behavior, even if deemed newsworthy, gets a very small percentage of the sound bites each day.
So, our kids who have received insufficient attention . . . who have learned to engage others in power struggles . . . who have learned they are not as worthy as a straight A student or a prom queen . . . who have reached a stage of utter revenge are now learning weekly that if they shoot up a school or a playground, their names will never be forgotten, perhaps even worldwide. Their names will be repeated often right after the shooting, then on the annual anniversary, at five years, etc., ad nauseam.
Now, keep in mind that the distracted parents, the frustrated teachers, the mean classmates, the prettier, smarter, more likeable children have left this revenge seeker emotionally flawed, if not downright psychotic. Plus, if they shoot up the school they will have the attention they've always craved -- instantaneously. And their names will never be forgotten.
If you were this kid, what would you do?
But how can we take preventive measures? Love and pay attention to our kids. See they get their basic emotional as well as physical needs met. See that they "respect" others. Take off the pressure to be the best at everything. Stop the constant competition. Quit being Tiger Moms. Make sure our schools hire loving and dedicated teachers who help kids fit in and who teach them to treat each other well. Find ways to give kids attention for positive behavior -- all kids, not just the gifted and athletic. Teach them to love and respect each other and their elders. Work with them at their level of learning and understanding. Give them positive feedback for each successive approximation to their learning goals. Be good role models ourselves. Oh, yes, if someone calls the local authorities to report a child as dangerous, get the kid some help. A casual stop by of a team of officers is not sufficient to stave off problems. Recent events show that clearly.
And stop publicizing the ones who commit bad and evil acts. Once we learn how to rear healthy, happy, constructive children, we won't have to worry about gun or knife or terror controls. We won't need them. The problem is not the weapons. The problem is the rearing, the educating and the plain old caring -- for everyone.
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