Are We From The Same Planet?

There is a piece in the November 2, 2015, Time about advice on the internet.  It references advice columns dating from the 1690's up to and including Dear Abby and Miss Manners.  A typical question to Dear Abby was, "how is a guy supposed to know if a girl is cold, playing hard-to-get or just nice?"  Permit me to try to answer.  Well, cold is not nice and neither is game playing, so how did that word get in the same sentence with the others?  Did he possibly mean to ask if the girl was a good girl?  And was he equating being a good girl to being cold?

I'd like to say, well, duh, if she doesn't respond to you at all, she probably isn't into you at all, but that seems a little harsh.  There is that off-chance that she really is playing a game.  Even if the latter is the case, it would be healthier to run off in any direction.  If she entraps you by game playing, you will be forever locked into games which always end with bad feelings for all.

Many books have been written to help others find a mate.  In fact, research projects have been conducted about people's sexual needs, prowess and fantasies.  Young people today don't have the advantages of knowing what the Kinsey research found out, like men think about sex every few seconds, but women have other things on their minds.

Men, per the Kinsey report, think about having sex with people in their everyday lives.  Women prefer to dream about an unknown male we would probably refer to as a knight in shining armor, or else some celebrity.  In other words, men and women are usually not even on the same page.

Then there was the age of body language and it's interpretation.  There were experts that said if a woman crossed her arms over her chest and crossed one leg over the other, she was signaling she was not available to you.  Other experts said, no, that meant they wanted you, but were just in denial.  And the experts in body language in business settings said it was that people were not liking what you were saying and were shutting you out.  Shutting out or not, it brought new fads.  There was a long period of time when moronic men, entering a room where there was a single female or a really hot married one, would slap his arms across his chest and his leg over the other emphatically denying his availability.  I guess if a woman was interested, it might have hurt.  But the general response was genuine anger that he thought he was such a hot commodity that anyone had noticed him before the gesture.  It also told the women he was projecting his own feelings toward them.

Following in jig time were cautions that body language in one part of the country was not the same as that in another.  Having lived in five states, I can say that this is true.  In two of them, I've been exposed to a movement I don't understand.  The man leans forward from the waist up and in a large sweeping motion, waves his chest in front of the woman's.  The first time it happened to me, my entire body startled.  I was at his door asking if my missing young son were there with his son.  I still don't know what it means, but he and I were definitely not on the same page and my body told him so.  By the second or third time from other men, I wasn't surprised, but just ignored it.

There is another unreadable signal that's happened only in my current city and I have not a clue what it means either.  The man faces the woman and places his hands palm inward and touching his hips, with his fingers pointing at the woman  --  the hands are resting parallel to his genitals.  Now, I could say that sexual as this seems he may be inviting the chick to bed.  But on the other hand, it's possible it's a new form of flashing the middle finger to tell her to go to hell.

Whatever, it's all too primal for my tastes!  Men back in my day would walk up and ask us to go out for coffee or a movie.  The shy ones sent a mutual friend to find out if we were interested.  Of course, when I think of the cost of Starbucks or a theater ticket, I almost don't blame the guy for trying to get by on charm.  But if all he is looking for is getting laid on the cheap, let me suggest he find someone on the corner a couple or three blocks from my house.

Which brings us to goals.  What is it you are really looking for when you approach a woman?  Just sex?  Your goal should dictate whom you approach and how.  Are you looking for a relationship? Then, it is probably important to take age into account.  An eighteen year old male and a fifty year old woman probably have nothing in common. Yet, time after time, I've witnessed a younger male move in on a woman that much older than he.  Same can be said for thirty to seventy or forty to seventy-five.  What is the motivation for such a move?  Sex?  Wouldn't sex with someone young and pretty be a more sane move?  Or are you just thinking someone that much older would be more vulnerable?  If that's the reason, you are disrespecting yourself as well as the woman.  You feel so badly about yourself that you think you can't get someone your own age?  Are you looking for a mother?  Do you think they have more money than someone your age?  On Social Security (LOL)? What are you hoping?

Are you wanting to start a family? Is that your goal?  Well, certainly you need someone at least under forty.  A lot of women go through the change in their fifties.  A woman I once worked with remarried her ex.  They were in agreement before the marriage that there would be no more children.  After the fact, he decided he did want more and nagged her to use artificial insemination.  Pregnancy, guys is hard on a young woman, much less on someone who has passed her fertile years.  What was he thinking?

There are also cultural differences.  One mentioned in body language books was about young women from families that used chaperons to go on dates with the young.  These girls could afford to be more relaxed with their movements because the chaperon was there to protect them.

One male, who was Asian, had a habit of expressing his availability by bending his knee and raising it, then turning it to the side, exposing and thrusting his clothed genital area.  I don't think anybody would misinterpret that intent, but get real guy!  Women aren't animals out on the street running with a pack of mongrels.  That's way, way, way too primal for most of us.

So, in summation, know your own goals.  Are you looking for just sex, unmarried relationships, marriage and parenthood or mere affirmation of your sexual self?  Pick your target population with that in mind.  People your age are more likely to have your same desires and goals.  They probably like the same kind of music and movies.  Know your gender.  Women, if they are looking, are more likely to be looking for a relationship and men for sex.  Women who are looking to start families want solid citizens with jobs and stability.  Women who have reared one family are not usually looking for number two.  This includes new infants or infantile mates.  A school teacher, lawyer or doctor is not inclined to want to be with a wanabe mechanic who is going to spend all his evening with his head under the hood of a car.  A real mechanic doesn't want to come home to work on her garage full of used cars.

Women like Ava Gardner, Elizabeth Taylor, Marilyn Monroe or Kim Kardashian are the kind that multitudes of men would like to ensnare.  But, unless you are Paul Newman, Robert Redford, Brad Pitt or Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson, you are unlikely to get to first base.  We all have to face reality and set our goals accordingly unless we love putting ourselves in the path of pain.

And remember, just because Kim Kardashian is the stuff of your fantasies doesn't mean you are the stuff of hers.  So, be careful not to project your own needs and feelings onto them.  They probably didn't get the same memo you did.  Like the book title says, women are from Venus and men from Mars.  Or is that the other way around?  When it comes to mating, we definitely are not from the same planet.

Not Nice, Just Likable

There was a person in my world for some time who thought nothing of telling falsehoods.  Said person was extremely good at it, so good that someone could be telling the truth beside the person and he/she telling a bald-faced lie, and people would believe the liar.

The other day, I was listening to someone describing an individual I did not know.  A long list of stories was being told which included a couple of low-level crimes.  Then the narrator said the individual was a "nice person".  When faced with skepticism from a listener, the story teller said, "No, really, this is a really nice individual".

I don't think so.  I think he/she is a really likable, though not nice, person.  Do you understand the difference between likable and nice?

A nice person is always polite and thinks of others.  He avoids breaking laws.  She places other's needs before her own, sometimes to her own detriment.  A nice person would never knowingly create problems and then not try to help resolve them.  They are not perfect, but they do their best to do the right thing when needed.

Not all good or nice people are likable.  Not all likable people are good or nice.

Take the con artist.  Nobody would ever be able to pull a con on someone unless they had a likable personality.  They can pull off a sting with ease because others want to please them. Others want them to be as good inside as they appear on the surface  --  the facade.

A bully, for instance, makes people do his/her bidding by exercising brute force.  Who likes a bully?  But, if a bully learns to finesse and manipulate, to be persuasive and likable, he can be seen to be nice.  The facade is deceiving.  The core is still bully.

There are a lot of levels of nice/not nice in the spectrum of humans.  Figuring out the difference is necessary for us to survive, at least emotionally.  Unfortunately, we live in a world where not everybody is trustworthy.  Knowing the difference between nice and likable could come in very handy.

An Open Letter About Windows 10 *

Thank you for the free download of Windows 10.  I'm learning a lot as I transition from my Windows 7 program.

Regrettably, I am experiencing some adjustment problems and need to ask for help  --  more than can be easily accessed on the internet.

I'm not asking for a long, involved explanation.  I just need an adjustment to the software when you can do it.

1.   This problem began with Windows 7.  If you are reading this, you are aware I am a  blogger.  I type (key) fairly fast and while I am zipping through my manuscript, the type will change size.  Sometimes this happens several times in one article.  In addition, the bar across the top that says

File      Edit     View      Favorites      Tools      Help

disappeared from view.  While I still had Version 7, I could hit the alt key and the bar would return long enough for one action.  (I had to hit it three times to copy, cut and paste, etc.)  Now the text has become almost excruciatingly small and the alt key does not produce the bar.  I've tried using the magnifier but 100% is where it is now and 200%, the next option, puts most of the article off the page.  I cannot see what else to do, and lack the correct terminology to ask the computer for help.

At first I though it was a blogger problem, but it happened in Facebook the other night, too.  This time, nothing seems to increase the size except the magnifier and I've already described the frustration with it.

2.  My second problem is related to accessing my two Hotmail and two Facebook accounts.  Older versions permitted us to tell the machine both the account name and the password and we could switch from account to account.  Now, whatever we accessed last just pops up automatically. 

3.  The third problem is that I cannot always close just one window at a time like I could in earlier versions.  For instance, I'm in Hotmail reading an answer to a post I made on Facebook, but I don't remember what I said.  I click on the icon to view my words.  Then when I click the X to close the window, I frequently get the offer to close all or the offer to cancel.  I need one for closing just that window.

I know this is a strange way of asking for help, but if I am having these problems, perhaps others are, too.  I'm by no means a computer expert, but I'm not a complete novice either.  Help please!

*Thanks to those who have helped me to resolve most of my problems.  I am grateful!!

Walking On Eggshells

I heard a well-known family therapist speak one time about communication within the family.  He used his own mother as an example of someone the family was always "walking on eggshells with"; someone one could not engage in communication with about her participation in family problems.  If anybody suggested to her, however mildly, that she might make some changes so family interactions could go better, she would take offense.  How dare anyone "criticize" her?  Thus communications and interactions in the family could never completely improve.

Communications experts teach us now that rather than telling someone that their behaviors are causing a problem, we tell them how their behaviors make us feel  --  unloved, angry, left out, frustrated, whatever.


I don't believe it is too far fetched to say that good communication is the basis of good relationships.  Without it, there is no relationship.  People have to be able to address any and all issues honestly and completely.  And the experts are correct  --  it is better to present how you feel than it is to accuse the other person of wrongdoing.  And oh, how hard that is!  I could use lessons in this.


It might be considered that the person who cannot accept and admit to their own errors in interactions has a poor self concept.  A more self assured person would take a more assertive stance and ask for more information and determine if the other individual has a genuine "case", so to speak.  If they have, you might want to adjust your own behaviors to ease the stress in the relationship.


I once heard (through the paper thin walls of an apartment house), a man tell a woman, "I am not the one being unreasonable about this.  You are."  It was no surprise when he moved out before the week was up.  Apparently nobody was accepting responsibility for the rift.  Nobody was guilty.  Nobody was saying, "There may not be anything wrong or unreasonable about the way you are acting, but here is how it make me feel."


It boils down to everyone accepting responsibility for the rifts.  It is crucial to the healing process.


All problem interactions are power struggles of one kind or another.  There are no winners of power struggles unless all parties accept responsibility and hold themselves accountable.  This is true in the home, workplace, and the community at large.  Good communication is a recognition of everyone's needs and then negotiation to compromise.

Have You Ever Seen A Ghost?

Time Magazine's September 21, 2015 issue features questions with celebrity answers.  Some of the responders are really famous like George Takai.  Others are scientists who want infallible proof for things.  I scanned through part of this section and zeroed in on the question about ghosts.  Mr. Takai was quite certain there are.  He said he sees them everywhere when he goes back to someplace he has been in the past.  His description is of memories rather than ghosts  --  ghost memories, perhaps? 


The scientific dude says ghosts have never been scientifically proven, ergo they do not exist.  I don't blame him for being a disbeliever.  I was, too, for most of my life.  There is nothing like seeing your first ghost to know that they are very, very real.  It's most amusing when others you have known to be disbelievers see ghosts, also. 


For instance, some friends of mine were moving into a new home.  They were almost at the point of rage that anyone could believe there was such a thing.  By the time they had spent twenty years there, they were singing a different tune.  The previous homeowners had been dancers.  My friends had looked up to see a man dressed in a Spanish dancer's costume checking out his outfit in a mirror.  They said they sometimes heard people in the home talking.  They couldn't hear and understand the words, just hear the voices.


I had seen my first ghost once before, but I didn't realize he was a ghost.  I did wonder why the neighbor's who were doing their lawn work didn't acknowledge him when he was running around in glee and approaching them over and over.  I shrugged and thought well, whatever.


Then one night I was home alone and came streaking out of a steamy bathroom.  There he stood again, all smiley and friendly.  I rushed into my bedroom and closed the door.  Once I was dressed, I searched the apartment.  All the locks and chains were in place.  I was so sure there was no such thing as ghosts that I searched for days for some kind of secret entrance.  I never found one. 


I will have to say that he looked like a full color hologram that night, thus reinforcing the scary suspicion that I was seeing a spirit and not a live person.


Fifteen or more years later and in another apartment complex, I had another shock.  There was a man I had seen visiting a neighbor on several occasions.  That same man walked right through my upstairs hallway.  He was carrying and reading some kind of paper.  While I stared with open mouth and stunned silence, he glanced my way.  He was every bit as startled to see me as I was to see him.  It read all over his face.  Then he just walked through the wall to the next apartment.  He, too, looked like a full color hologram.


Both times I said approximately the same thing to these ghosts.  "I know you are here, because I have seen you.  I guess you mean me no harm or I would be harmed already.  So, I assume we can peacefully coexist.  Just don't let me ever see you again".  I've never seen them again.


I have enough of a scientific bent not to want to believe there are ghosts, but I have seen the "living, breathing" evidence that there are.  Well, in a ghostly way at least. 


But, then, who cares what I know or think?  I'm not a celebrity or a scientist.

I Think We've Grown

I read a story in Guideposts today which inspired this article.  I think I'm in a unique position to write it, because of the number of decades I have lived and what I know about changes in our society.  I've also known people wounded by the old ways we handled things and those encouraged and helped by the new.


This story I read was somewhat typical of ones you hear or see from children given up for adoption or from the parents who made the decision to let them go.  I think we Americans have grown a lot in my lifetime and that it has left us a more loving and compassionate people.  I like to think that the Almighty and Jesus smile down upon us for this change.


I was born in 1938, a rather innocent and naïve time.  I grew up in a mostly Christian neighborhood in a small city in Illinois.  When World War II was finally over, we began to live our lives without the loneliness of our men being gone or the grief of yet another death of our military men.


Prior to the start of the war, I don't think very many people engaged in unmarried sex.  But then I may be the most naïve.  Women seemed to become less reserved as they knew the war was going to separate them and they might never see each other again.  Where there is sex, there will be babies sometimes. People clung to each other and some wanted the children that might be the last tie they had to the man they loved.


After the war, we returned to the uptight, anal retentive, judgment making people we had been before the war.  Maybe, the no no's about sex were even more severe.  And, God forbid, anyone should get pregnant.  There are tales of shotgun weddings and stories of young men who refused to face their responsibilities.


As far as I know, no girls in my neighborhood faced an unwanted pregnancy.  A friend some distance away "fell in love" and found herself facing a mountain of trouble.  Her family handled it in what was probably the worst possible way.  They forced her to get an illegal abortion and forced the couple into a shotgun wedding as well.  You know how long that marriage lasted!  I ran into the girl some years later after I had gone away to school.  Not knowing that I had run into a nurse with questionable integrity and a flapping mouth, she told me she had ruined her life  --  but she didn't tell me why she felt that or what she had done to cause it.  My heart still aches for her and for my inadequacy in dealing with the situation.


Television shows have shown the horror of parents, who in their own fear and unwarranted shame over "sex" and it's inevitable results (a beautiful little baby) have acted like monsters.  Such parents shamed the young people, especially the girl.  They sent her off  to seclusion where caring (and sometimes evil) people tended them until the birth and then the parents and the staff forced the girls to give those babies away to loving and "well-to-do" couples who couldn't have children of their own.  Oh, would that this had always been true. Some women decided on their own to let the children go to supposedly better lives.


These approaches have left generations of women searching for their babies, and even children who found good adoptive parents, wishing and searching for their natural moms.  And these poor kids have a hole in their psyches from which we can almost hear the scream  --  why couldn't you love us enough to keep us?  How could you cast us away?


I won't duke it out with anybody whether the sexual revolution is good or bad, acceptable or evil.  But I will attempt to describe a good side effect of it.  Girls now get to keep their love children if they want.  Parents don't have to become ogres who rip new babies from their baby's arms.  Hospital personnel willingly list the birth father's name right along with the mother's.  If the couple is compatible, they make a nest together and take their babies home.  Families are inclined to encircle the young couple with love and support.  Proud grandparents engage in their justifiable bragging rights.


Babies are a gift from God as the saying goes.  And a marvelous gift one is.


I think this shows we have grown.

You Can't Fix Stupid

The title of this article is one of my baby brother's favorite expressions.  Often all we have to do is walk outside the door and say good morning to someone to find out why such a remark is so descriptive of life.


What gets under my skin, ad nauseam, is how people with such controversial jobs as those at Planned Parenthood could be "stupid" enough to say anything that could be used against the program, whether in or out of context.


Planned Parenthood, even if one abhors abortion, has a lot of value in society.  It teaches, duh, planning pregnancies instead of having them by accident.  It provides the sex education where needed.  It helps young people cope with serious life issues.


Now, because individuals have sat around talking about crunching baby heads and buying expensive cars, our aggressively moralistic, conservative base has more fuel to fan the flames.  Our young people could be without needed counseling.  And medicine could potentially lose a valuable resource for determining how to fix our serious ailments.


And where are the morals of the people who sucker punched these individuals?  They have none!  All they have is an obsession and a faulty understanding of what God's mind really is.  None of us know God's mind in this day and age.  It's not just pastors who have lost touch with the Almighty.  An obsession is a mental illness, not a righteous calling.  Let's call it what it is.